*Grandma rants a little*

I find it very amusing that my favourite song from the new album of my favourite singer happens to be called "Older" .. it's precisely how I've been feeling these days 😃 ..

"See, I'm getting older" ~

Yes, I've been "feeling" older .. 

And I cringe when I see people my age still behaving like teenagers ..

Especially regarding "love" and "romance" and bla bla bla, god, would you grow up already? ..

Don't you feel silly?

I've always had very little tolerance for listening to the "pain" of love and things like "does he love me?", or "my lover made me sad/angry" or "I miss my lover" ... etc

I don't know why but I've always hated love-related drama in particular ..

Especially in this day and age where we are all connected all the time .. I mean how can you be "missing" your lover when you literally have every single one of their social media accounts? .. it just irritates me so much ..

And for some reason, despite being a big empath, I find it very hard to sympathize with this kind of things, I guess I just find it ridiculous, like, sheesh, I don't know why he didn't call you, and I don't know if he loves you or not, and frankly I don't care .. why don't you two just sort it out and be honest with each other and spare me and the rest of the world the pain of listening to your drama? ..

Dude, "love" is overrated .. I think some people love "being in love" more than they actually love their lovers .. and they would do anything to keep that state of love going ..

They love being angry at their lovers, they love that drama so much, it's all they think and talk and write about ..

Seriously, don't they get tired? ..

Don't they get bored? ..

There are other things in life you know ..

How come you limit yourself only to this? ..

Guess I would understand if they were in their teen years and this kind of feeling is new and exciting to them .. but being in my age, don't you now feel that it's a little tacky? ..

Just wondering 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..

*quick little break before my niece wakes up*

*whew*

Finally, thank God, a moment of peace for myself ..

These days I feel like I'm really being tested ..

I feel paralyzed most of the day .. and it's really hard for me to function when I don't get a time for myself .. I've always been the type of person that constantly needs to "recharge" by being alone .. too much socializing drains me out .. I need to be by myself ..

Now that I could catch a breath, I'm doing a little reflecting, and I feel like these few days have been strange ..

I think my subconscious has been quite active lately, and it all shows in my dreams when I sleep ..

There's been these reoccurring dreams, where they reflect a certain time in my childhood, with certain people ..

The dreams reflect me being in these people's house, which is a reality because I did use to go to their house in my childhood, but what happens in the dream is totally different (didn't actually happen in reality) and I don't get it ..

It involves laundry .. ?

In those dreams, I'm in their house, and I always happen to have clothes that need to be washed, and for some reason I'm always so apologetic about it and constantly trying to relieve them and assure them that I'll wash them myself and they don't have to worry about it ..

They (in general) and their mother (in particular) always seem to be annoyed by this, I mean me and my clothes ..

Although the mother never really says anything or complains, it's always very obvious that she is annoyed and I constantly apologise to her and try to reassure her and make her feel relieved ..

These dreams are always like this .. however, in yesterday's dream, something new happened ..

The new thing was, that for the first time in these dreams, someone actually spoke and said something ..

And those were the daughters ..

They said to me clearly and directly: "we don't want you to wash your clothes in our house anymore" ..

Now at this point, the whole laundry thing in the dream, and "reality", seemed to have gotten mixed up together .. for in the dream I replied to the daughters: "when did I ever wash my clothes in your house?!" ..

And they said: "you do it all the time!" ..

And I said: "I don't even come to your house anymore!" ..

Then they said this: "you always wash your clothes in our house in the bathroom and as you do you keep yelling angrily and knock things around and we can hear it!" ..

I was in a genuine shock in the dream, because I know I don't do any of that! ..

And I was sincerely asking them if they are kidding with me because I really can't remember doing any of this! .. how are they saying that it's happening? ..

What a weird dream it was .. I don't get it ..

And I don't get why am I dreaming about this now? .. this thing about going to their house was a looong time ago when I was a child ..

It brings back unpleasant memories and feelings .. but I don't understand this whole "laundry" thing .. I don't remember ever washing anything in their house .. I was just a child back then, I don't remember washing anything in any house! ..

I've been racking my brain over this but I just don't get it ..

"Oh, poor you"

"Oh, poor you"

This is probably the inner reaction both my brother and I have when we look at each other ..

My older brother and I are very different people ..
We "experience" life very differently ..
Both of us look at each other thinking while shaking our heads: "poor thing, if only you understood what "life" is all about" ..

My brother value his career, he measures his worth by how successful his career is, and how much money he makes from it .. he has this disdain of the "weaklings", those people with humble jobs and little to no ambition .. and I know that, I can tell, by the way he looks at me .. he doesn't admit it, but I know ..

He pities me, he sees me as this poor little person who never seized the opportunity, never discovered her potentials, and never seeked to be or do anything more than what she is/does .. this one who has no ambitions and no will and going nowhere .. this one who just settled for whatever place life has put her in ..

I can understand why he sees me like that .. a lot of people do see me like that as well ..

But here, on the other end, my opinion of my brother is not much better than his opinion of me ..

I, also, "pity" my brother ..
I've known him my whole life, and I never see him really "content" .. he's always been on a hurry, he's always chasing something, every now and then it seems like he "found" it, "that's it!", "that's the idea!" "this is the one that's gonna change everything!" .. but soon that idea loses its glow and there he goes back running again chasing another idea ..
And that's exactly why I feel sorry for him ..
He never found his grounds .. he doesn't seem to know what he really wants, and where he truly belongs .. if you would put him in a one single place for the rest of his life, it will drive him insane .. I think it's because he doesn't have a "place" .. he can't be satisfied with one place because there is no one place that he really belongs to .. and to me that is sad, because once you take away his career and his money he hardly has any "identity" left ..

I feel that way, because thankfully, I've always known very well who I am, where I belong, and what works for me and what doesn't .. I just know ..
My whole life people always tried to tell me what should I do and how I'm supposed to be, yet I've always known my true self, and what does have a value to me, and what doesn't, and where I would bloom, and where I won't ..
I don't need to try this and that to see what I would like, or what would work for me, because I already know ..

"Certificates", "Courses" and "expertise" and those kinds of things have very little value to me .. I'm aware that these are what the world runs on, but these are not what I identify myself with ..
These are not what I run on .. I'll be happy and content without any of these when I'm on my grounds, doing this one thing that has a meaning to me, for the rest of my life ..
I don't lack ambition, I've already known and decided where I should be in life, either I'm there already, or working my way up to it .. it may not be apparent to others, but it is to me ..
I spare myself "achievements" and "goals" that don't hold true value to me, or add a real effect on my life and myself, especially if they are done just for the sake of having "achievements" and "goals", just so I can justify myself when I'm around people, as in: "look! look at my achievements! see? I'm worthy!" ..
I feel worthy of life regardless .. I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm worthy .. even if they indeed find me worthless ..
You won't find me breathlessly running after opportunities, fearing that I'm going to miss something, because I know I won't .. life won't pass me by, it's me who is passing by life .. what I want is there, and it's not going anywhere .. either I'm currently on the way or that I've already reached .. it's as simple as that to me ..

People like my brother can't understand that ..
And they think that I must be feeling like a loser because that's what "they" would be feeling like if they were in my place ..
They don't understand that this is not what is "happening" to me, this is what I'm "choosing" to be .. this IS how I want to be ..

Reality Painkillers

Some people want to heal .. they want to be healed from within .. to them, true healing is a necessity to move on in life .. and to those who want to heal, they know very well that in order to heal, you must expose the wound, you must talk about it, acknowledge it, state it as it is .. it definitely will hurt, but that's what it takes to heal from it .. like pulling a needle out of your body, it will hurt, but that's what you need to do to heal it ..

Then there are those who are fine with distractions .. they are fine with living their whole lives avoiding the true cause of their pain .. "as long as there's a way to not feel the pain for today, we're taking that way" .. today and tomorrow and the day after that .. the needle stays since they can have painkillers all day every day ..

I belong to the first group .. and I live among a family of the second group ..

My soul dies a little more each day, if that's even possible ..

Nothing I hate more than "reality" being "shushed", and tons of other meaningless substitutes are being discussed, in a never ending vicious cycle where nothing really is ever solved ..

Something's missing ..

Her door is always closed .. always have been ..

I don't know why I still bother trying to reach to her ..

She made it very clear a long time ago that's what's going on in my life doesn't concern her .. over the years I always tried to find excuses for her .. maybe she simply doesn't have the ability to relate to what I'm feeling? .. in that case, she can't be blamed for not being able to give something that she doesn't have in the first place ..

But then, when it concerns some specific others, her door swings wide open .. her feelings starts pouring out generously and she becomes a dedicated caregiver, a beacon to those who seek motherly nurturing ..

And I'm always left with the question: why does she close the door when it's me? ..

Why? What did I do wrong? ..

Am I unworthy of her love? ..

Have I been a terrible child? ..

In all honesty, "motherhood" is a scary idea for me ..

I mean, the fact that I may end up Not loving the baby is terrifying for me .. you'd think it's impossible for a mother to not love her baby, but reality says otherwise .. and bringing a helpless soul into the world without a guarantee that this little soul would be truely loved is such a cruel thing .. unless you're up to the task, you will be hurting a human being .. motherhood does not come with guarantees .. I know mothers are usually glorified, and that every woman who gives birth to a child is a "mother", yet not all mothers are "motherly" ..

Love is a broad word .. mothers are usually equipped naturally with the instinct to feed and protect their babies .. but that aside, does this define what mother's love is? ..

Is it still love if she "has to do it" because no one else would? .. is it still love if that baby is basically a "burden" but she has to put up with it in hopes of the favour being returned in the future? (as in: I'll care for him now so he'll care for me when I'm old) as some sort of a deal ..

I know I sound ungrateful when I say this, but it's the truth, at least my truth .. I just don't know what it feels like to have a mother that genuinely "loves" me ..  and how I wish I knew ..

"Moumantain't" 😀

Funny how I named my blog "moumantai" ..

I now see that non of my posts are moumantai-ish at all 😂💔 ..

Something brewing ..

I harbour anger ..

Very overwhelming .. right beneath the surface .. about to erupt any moment ..

My body feels so small to contain all of it ..

And then BOOM .. it all bursts out of control ..

And I'm madly enraged .. seeking out an end ..

Then .. I wake up ..

And find out that I feel exhausted .. exhausted while being asleep ..

And I can't exactly pinpoint what was it that made me so angry .. sometimes I can remember .. but when I'm awake it doesn't feel as enraging as it is in the dream ..

My family often wake me up at night .. telling me I've been screaming in my sleep again ..

And when they ask me why was I screaming .. I assure them it wasn't a nightmare .. and I wasn't scared .. I was just "angry" ..