"Oh, poor you"

"Oh, poor you"

This is probably the inner reaction both my brother and I have when we look at each other ..

My older brother and I are very different people ..
We "experience" life very differently ..
Both of us look at each other thinking while shaking our heads: "poor thing, if only you understood what "life" is all about" ..

My brother value his career, he measures his worth by how successful his career is, and how much money he makes from it .. he has this disdain of the "weaklings", those people with humble jobs and little to no ambition .. and I know that, I can tell, by the way he looks at me .. he doesn't admit it, but I know ..

He pities me, he sees me as this poor little person who never seized the opportunity, never discovered her potentials, and never seeked to be or do anything more than what she is/does .. this one who has no ambitions and no will and going nowhere .. this one who just settled for whatever place life has put her in ..

I can understand why he sees me like that .. a lot of people do see me like that as well ..

But here, on the other end, my opinion of my brother is not much better than his opinion of me ..

I, also, "pity" my brother ..
I've known him my whole life, and I never see him really "content" .. he's always been on a hurry, he's always chasing something, every now and then it seems like he "found" it, "that's it!", "that's the idea!" "this is the one that's gonna change everything!" .. but soon that idea loses its glow and there he goes back running again chasing another idea ..
And that's exactly why I feel sorry for him ..
He never found his grounds .. he doesn't seem to know what he really wants, and where he truly belongs .. if you would put him in a one single place for the rest of his life, it will drive him insane .. I think it's because he doesn't have a "place" .. he can't be satisfied with one place because there is no one place that he really belongs to .. and to me that is sad, because once you take away his career and his money he hardly has any "identity" left ..

I feel that way, because thankfully, I've always known very well who I am, where I belong, and what works for me and what doesn't .. I just know ..
My whole life people always tried to tell me what should I do and how I'm supposed to be, yet I've always known my true self, and what does have a value to me, and what doesn't, and where I would bloom, and where I won't ..
I don't need to try this and that to see what I would like, or what would work for me, because I already know ..

"Certificates", "Courses" and "expertise" and those kinds of things have very little value to me .. I'm aware that these are what the world runs on, but these are not what I identify myself with ..
These are not what I run on .. I'll be happy and content without any of these when I'm on my grounds, doing this one thing that has a meaning to me, for the rest of my life ..
I don't lack ambition, I've already known and decided where I should be in life, either I'm there already, or working my way up to it .. it may not be apparent to others, but it is to me ..
I spare myself "achievements" and "goals" that don't hold true value to me, or add a real effect on my life and myself, especially if they are done just for the sake of having "achievements" and "goals", just so I can justify myself when I'm around people, as in: "look! look at my achievements! see? I'm worthy!" ..
I feel worthy of life regardless .. I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm worthy .. even if they indeed find me worthless ..
You won't find me breathlessly running after opportunities, fearing that I'm going to miss something, because I know I won't .. life won't pass me by, it's me who is passing by life .. what I want is there, and it's not going anywhere .. either I'm currently on the way or that I've already reached .. it's as simple as that to me ..

People like my brother can't understand that ..
And they think that I must be feeling like a loser because that's what "they" would be feeling like if they were in my place ..
They don't understand that this is not what is "happening" to me, this is what I'm "choosing" to be .. this IS how I want to be ..