Organized Universe ..

Numbers and letters ..

The value and the shape ..

The content and the container ..

How very little we understand our existence ..

"Fear" seems to be the main drive for the majority of people ..

What are we afraid of? ..

Our own mortality? ..

What do we live for? ..

Such complicated thoughts ..

But we don't like to "think" about them ..

Because we don't know the answers, and we "fear" what we don't know ..

It seems complicated ..

But the universe is more organized than we think ..

It has a rhythm ..

The more you observe, the more you'll notice ..

1 = the truth

2 = the opposite pair

3 = the smallest group (?)

4 = the basic structure

5 = ?

6 = physical structure (?)

7 = completion

8 = ?

9 = the ultimate number! "Perfection"

Or at least that's what I "think" ..

"Shifting"

This is probably going to be a gloomy entry ..

I just can't shake this feeling off .. it's been going on for a while now ..

I think it started in 2020 ..

And here I'm not talking about the pandemic ..

While the world was busy with the coronavirus, I was in a what felt like a different realm ..

Something happened in 2020 ..

Something on the non-physical non-material level .. I can't be the only one who feels that ..

In fact, I think a lot of people are feeling it too .. we're just not sure how to describe it ..

It feels like being on the edge of my seat .. like anticipating something is going to happen .. something big ..

It feels like we're in the middle of a big "shift" that the world is going through ..

And things are about to become different ..

The dreams I have when I'm asleep are also different and have the same feeling ..

I've always had weird dreams and somewhat a "sixth sense" but after 2020 it's like on a whole different level ..

I can't stop thinking about the year 2027 ..

It's been said and speculated a lot - even in ancient times - and in all sorts of different media that the year 2027 is the year when something big is going to happen in the world ..

That's just 3 years from now ..

I wonder if the year 2027 is the answer to all of this, and things will be clear after that ..

Time to “Moumantai” ..

“Your muscles are so tense! Relax”

“Just relax”

“Relax”

This is said to me all the time ..

I don’t know how to “relax” my body .. and when I try to do relaxation exercises my head hurts immediately ..

Never knew why ..

But only recently, I’m starting to understand .. someone *let’s call them “Heavens”* told me that my whole life I’ve been basically an emotional sponge to those around me .. I had to carry the stress from them so they can function properly so I can survive .. looking back, I see now that I carried way too much that for my body to be still able to serve me, it had to store that extra load all over my body in my muscles .. something like that ..

So in order to “relax” my muscles, I need to release all that stored stress inside them first ..

“Do you write?”

“Don’t you write things down?”

“I’m surprised you don’t write”

“Do you have a blog?”

This is also said to me all the time ..

I definitely need to write more, at least to help release some of the stress that’s been trapped inside of me all these years ..

*Grandma rants a little*

I find it very amusing that my favourite song from the new album of my favourite singer happens to be called "Older" .. it's precisely how I've been feeling these days 😃 ..

"See, I'm getting older" ~

Yes, I've been "feeling" older .. 

And I cringe when I see people my age still behaving like teenagers ..

Especially regarding "love" and "romance" and bla bla bla, god, would you grow up already? ..

Don't you feel silly?

I've always had very little tolerance for listening to the "pain" of love and things like "does he love me?", or "my lover made me sad/angry" or "I miss my lover" ... etc

I don't know why but I've always hated love-related drama in particular ..

Especially in this day and age where we are all connected all the time .. I mean how can you be "missing" your lover when you literally have every single one of their social media accounts? .. it just irritates me so much ..

And for some reason, despite being a big empath, I find it very hard to sympathize with this kind of things, I guess I just find it ridiculous, like, sheesh, I don't know why he didn't call you, and I don't know if he loves you or not, and frankly I don't care .. why don't you two just sort it out and be honest with each other and spare me and the rest of the world the pain of listening to your drama? ..

Dude, "love" is overrated .. I think some people love "being in love" more than they actually love their lovers .. and they would do anything to keep that state of love going ..

They love being angry at their lovers, they love that drama so much, it's all they think and talk and write about ..

Seriously, don't they get tired? ..

Don't they get bored? ..

There are other things in life you know ..

How come you limit yourself only to this? ..

Guess I would understand if they were in their teen years and this kind of feeling is new and exciting to them .. but being in my age, don't you now feel that it's a little tacky? ..

Just wondering 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..

*quick little break before my niece wakes up*

*whew*

Finally, thank God, a moment of peace for myself ..

These days I feel like I'm really being tested ..

I feel paralyzed most of the day .. and it's really hard for me to function when I don't get a time for myself .. I've always been the type of person that constantly needs to "recharge" by being alone .. too much socializing drains me out .. I need to be by myself ..

Now that I could catch a breath, I'm doing a little reflecting, and I feel like these few days have been strange ..

I think my subconscious has been quite active lately, and it all shows in my dreams when I sleep ..

There's been these reoccurring dreams, where they reflect a certain time in my childhood, with certain people ..

The dreams reflect me being in these people's house, which is a reality because I did use to go to their house in my childhood, but what happens in the dream is totally different (didn't actually happen in reality) and I don't get it ..

It involves laundry .. ?

In those dreams, I'm in their house, and I always happen to have clothes that need to be washed, and for some reason I'm always so apologetic about it and constantly trying to relieve them and assure them that I'll wash them myself and they don't have to worry about it ..

They (in general) and their mother (in particular) always seem to be annoyed by this, I mean me and my clothes ..

Although the mother never really says anything or complains, it's always very obvious that she is annoyed and I constantly apologise to her and try to reassure her and make her feel relieved ..

These dreams are always like this .. however, in yesterday's dream, something new happened ..

The new thing was, that for the first time in these dreams, someone actually spoke and said something ..

And those were the daughters ..

They said to me clearly and directly: "we don't want you to wash your clothes in our house anymore" ..

Now at this point, the whole laundry thing in the dream, and "reality", seemed to have gotten mixed up together .. for in the dream I replied to the daughters: "when did I ever wash my clothes in your house?!" ..

And they said: "you do it all the time!" ..

And I said: "I don't even come to your house anymore!" ..

Then they said this: "you always wash your clothes in our house in the bathroom and as you do you keep yelling angrily and knock things around and we can hear it!" ..

I was in a genuine shock in the dream, because I know I don't do any of that! ..

And I was sincerely asking them if they are kidding with me because I really can't remember doing any of this! .. how are they saying that it's happening? ..

What a weird dream it was .. I don't get it ..

And I don't get why am I dreaming about this now? .. this thing about going to their house was a looong time ago when I was a child ..

It brings back unpleasant memories and feelings .. but I don't understand this whole "laundry" thing .. I don't remember ever washing anything in their house .. I was just a child back then, I don't remember washing anything in any house! ..

I've been racking my brain over this but I just don't get it ..

"Oh, poor you"

"Oh, poor you"

This is probably the inner reaction both my brother and I have when we look at each other ..

My older brother and I are very different people ..
We "experience" life very differently ..
Both of us look at each other thinking while shaking our heads: "poor thing, if only you understood what "life" is all about" ..

My brother value his career, he measures his worth by how successful his career is, and how much money he makes from it .. he has this disdain of the "weaklings", those people with humble jobs and little to no ambition .. and I know that, I can tell, by the way he looks at me .. he doesn't admit it, but I know ..

He pities me, he sees me as this poor little person who never seized the opportunity, never discovered her potentials, and never seeked to be or do anything more than what she is/does .. this one who has no ambitions and no will and going nowhere .. this one who just settled for whatever place life has put her in ..

I can understand why he sees me like that .. a lot of people do see me like that as well ..

But here, on the other end, my opinion of my brother is not much better than his opinion of me ..

I, also, "pity" my brother ..
I've known him my whole life, and I never see him really "content" .. he's always been on a hurry, he's always chasing something, every now and then it seems like he "found" it, "that's it!", "that's the idea!" "this is the one that's gonna change everything!" .. but soon that idea loses its glow and there he goes back running again chasing another idea ..
And that's exactly why I feel sorry for him ..
He never found his grounds .. he doesn't seem to know what he really wants, and where he truly belongs .. if you would put him in a one single place for the rest of his life, it will drive him insane .. I think it's because he doesn't have a "place" .. he can't be satisfied with one place because there is no one place that he really belongs to .. and to me that is sad, because once you take away his career and his money he hardly has any "identity" left ..

I feel that way, because thankfully, I've always known very well who I am, where I belong, and what works for me and what doesn't .. I just know ..
My whole life people always tried to tell me what should I do and how I'm supposed to be, yet I've always known my true self, and what does have a value to me, and what doesn't, and where I would bloom, and where I won't ..
I don't need to try this and that to see what I would like, or what would work for me, because I already know ..

"Certificates", "Courses" and "expertise" and those kinds of things have very little value to me .. I'm aware that these are what the world runs on, but these are not what I identify myself with ..
These are not what I run on .. I'll be happy and content without any of these when I'm on my grounds, doing this one thing that has a meaning to me, for the rest of my life ..
I don't lack ambition, I've already known and decided where I should be in life, either I'm there already, or working my way up to it .. it may not be apparent to others, but it is to me ..
I spare myself "achievements" and "goals" that don't hold true value to me, or add a real effect on my life and myself, especially if they are done just for the sake of having "achievements" and "goals", just so I can justify myself when I'm around people, as in: "look! look at my achievements! see? I'm worthy!" ..
I feel worthy of life regardless .. I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm worthy .. even if they indeed find me worthless ..
You won't find me breathlessly running after opportunities, fearing that I'm going to miss something, because I know I won't .. life won't pass me by, it's me who is passing by life .. what I want is there, and it's not going anywhere .. either I'm currently on the way or that I've already reached .. it's as simple as that to me ..

People like my brother can't understand that ..
And they think that I must be feeling like a loser because that's what "they" would be feeling like if they were in my place ..
They don't understand that this is not what is "happening" to me, this is what I'm "choosing" to be .. this IS how I want to be ..

Reality Painkillers

Some people want to heal .. they want to be healed from within .. to them, true healing is a necessity to move on in life .. and to those who want to heal, they know very well that in order to heal, you must expose the wound, you must talk about it, acknowledge it, state it as it is .. it definitely will hurt, but that's what it takes to heal from it .. like pulling a needle out of your body, it will hurt, but that's what you need to do to heal it ..

Then there are those who are fine with distractions .. they are fine with living their whole lives avoiding the true cause of their pain .. "as long as there's a way to not feel the pain for today, we're taking that way" .. today and tomorrow and the day after that .. the needle stays since they can have painkillers all day every day ..

I belong to the first group .. and I live among a family of the second group ..

My soul dies a little more each day, if that's even possible ..

Nothing I hate more than "reality" being "shushed", and tons of other meaningless substitutes are being discussed, in a never ending vicious cycle where nothing really is ever solved ..