Something's missing ..

Her door is always closed .. always have been ..

I don't know why I still bother trying to reach to her ..

She made it very clear a long time ago that's what's going on in my life doesn't concern her .. over the years I always tried to find excuses for her .. maybe she simply doesn't have the ability to relate to what I'm feeling? .. in that case, she can't be blamed for not being able to give something that she doesn't have in the first place ..

But then, when it concerns some specific others, her door swings wide open .. her feelings starts pouring out generously and she becomes a dedicated caregiver, a beacon to those who seek motherly nurturing ..

And I'm always left with the question: why does she close the door when it's me? ..

Why? What did I do wrong? ..

Am I unworthy of her love? ..

Have I been a terrible child? ..

In all honesty, "motherhood" is a scary idea for me ..

I mean, the fact that I may end up Not loving the baby is terrifying for me .. you'd think it's impossible for a mother to not love her baby, but reality says otherwise .. and bringing a helpless soul into the world without a guarantee that this little soul would be truely loved is such a cruel thing .. unless you're up to the task, you will be hurting a human being .. motherhood does not come with guarantees .. I know mothers are usually glorified, and that every woman who gives birth to a child is a "mother", yet not all mothers are "motherly" ..

Love is a broad word .. mothers are usually equipped naturally with the instinct to feed and protect their babies .. but that aside, does this define what mother's love is? ..

Is it still love if she "has to do it" because no one else would? .. is it still love if that baby is basically a "burden" but she has to put up with it in hopes of the favour being returned in the future? (as in: I'll care for him now so he'll care for me when I'm old) as some sort of a deal ..

I know I sound ungrateful when I say this, but it's the truth, at least my truth .. I just don't know what it feels like to have a mother that genuinely "loves" me ..  and how I wish I knew ..